My Relationship Needs from POF

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 "Relationship Needs Assessment." This assessment determines what you need in a relationship across nine key factors:

Interdependence

Self-Efficacy

Communication

Sexuality

Preferred Expressions of Affection

Intimacy

Relationship Readiness

Conflict Resolution

Attitudes About Love

Your report gives you valuable feedback on each of these factors in several special ways. Based on your unique answer patterns, you first receive a synopsis of what you need in a relationship on each factor. To help you address these issues in actual practice, your report also contains a customized set of questions for you to consider asking or exploring with potential dating partners to determine the degree to which a person may meet those unique needs. In other words, you have guidance for understanding and exploring what it takes for someone to be "relationship material" with you.

Finally, the assessment reveals any specific issues that you seemed especially to under-value or over-value. These are likes and dislikes that are often hidden from your awareness, but they can strongly affect your relationship decisions. Enjoy your report, contemplate the information and insights it provides and good luck in applying the results here at the Plenty of Fish community!

Toni Lauren Vossen, Your Assessment is below

Interdependence

Interdependence refers to how much you need dependency or a "couple identity" with your partner.

You are highly interdependent in relationships. This means that you desire – and perhaps even demand – a substantial degree of physical and emotional connection with a partner and other loved ones. Those connections and interactions can be frequent and superficial or they can be deep and meaningful. And you are probably attracted quickly to someone who you can deeply respect and even emulate to a degree. In fact, it is typical for a person in this score range to consider how a particular romantic partner might reflect on his/her own family and friends. All of this does not mean that you do not need personal space now and then; nearly everyone values being unique and different from others in some respects. However, people in this range draw considerable strength, comfort and sense of identity from close relationships. You like to know about virtually all aspects of your partner’s life. Thus, when you feel close to someone this person becomes an extremely important part of who you are on the inside and outside. You probably prefer that you and your partner’s recreational activities be shared together since you like having your partner physically close and desire showing off your “couplehood” in public.

 

Bottom line: you need someone who responds to the fact that you enjoy the reassurance of physical contact and emotional sharing, but who helps keeps dependency in check in the relationship so that you two do not lose your identities as individuals and whose character is deserving of your loyalty and affection.

 

 

Intimacy refers to the how much you need emotional closeness with your partner.

You have emotional intimacy to offer a partner – but that intimacy is expected to grow gradually over time. People in this scoring range are open with a partner when it comes to lessons learned from past experiences and relationships. You long for emotional closeness and security with a special person. In fact, you probably would feel uncomfortable if there were serious secrets kept from your partner. You likely see a partner as a best friend and your foremost confidant. There is likely no hesitation discussing current problems or concerns with that person. It also seems that you have realistic expectations for a committed relationship. However, you are acutely aware of the risks that come with intimacy. You may find yourself frequently wondering whether your devotion and adoration will be reciprocated or whether your partner’s feelings will change. For this reason, people in this scoring range frequently neither lower their guard completely nor allow themselves to be fully emotional vulnerable.

Bottom line: you need someone who will understand and accept a slow pace for emotional intimacy with you and provide frequent reassurance of their feelings and intentions as the relationship is taken to progressive levels.

 

 

 

Issues you seem to Under-value

I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. Possible reasons you responded this way include negative motivations and positive motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that you have a have a limited understanding of yourself and boundaries. On the positive side, it could mean that you have a high self-esteem and self-image, that you are not self centered, that you do not fear you will not live up to your partner’s expectations or that your partner will not live up to yours.

Self-efficacy

Self-Efficacy refers to your self-image, stability of mood and level of motivation.

You have good levels of self-esteem, sense of self and a sense of accomplishment. It seems you are acutely aware – but accepting – of your strengths and weaknesses. Likewise, you likely feel that people who are important in your life understand you. But people in your scoring range tend to be comfortable not giving in to peer, family and other social pressures. Family is indeed important to you, but their expectations do not strongly influence your life. Instead, people who score like you tend to have their own well-defined ambitions and goals – and may even set specific benchmarks to monitor the progress made toward achievements. You probably have a strong sense of control over your life and are decisive in managing it. You are also probably very influential and persuasive with others. In fact, your family, friends and acquaintances may often come to you for ideas of guidance across a range of issues. Bottom line: you need a partner who has a good degree of energy, enthusiasm and self-efficacy like you, as opposed to a partner who needs constant nurturance and reassurance to feel empowered and valued as person.

 

 

 

Issues you seem to Over-value

What happens in my life is mostly beyond my own control. Possible reasons you responded this way include negative motivations and positive motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that you have unrealistic expectations about some issues, that you lack motivation and do not apply yourself to meet your potential or that you have difficulty setting limits with others. On the positive side, it could mean that you try to put others’ needs above your own or that you are not a selfish or self centered.

Relationship readiness

Relationship Readiness refers to how prepared you are emotionally, psychologically and pragmatically for a committed relationship.

In some ways, you may not be fully ready for a committed relationship. You seem to feel a fair degree of comfort and grounding in your life right now. In fact, most people in this range have a clear vision and a sense of purpose for their life. They also feel in control, but sometimes that sense of control can be fleeting or a false sense of security. For example, it is often the case that people in this scoring range need to address unresolved issues that can interfere with them having the life and relationship they want. These could be financial or legal issues or even physical, emotional or health issues. It may also be the case that you are seeking a relationship primarily to fill a void in your life or to gain a feeling of acceptance and belonging that was weakened or lost due to other relationships that ended or disappointed you.

 Bottom line: you need someone who will be patient and supportive as you figure out your needs rather than who will rush the relationship prematurely.

 

 

Communication

Communication refers to your approach to interpersonal interactions and level of emotional intelligence.

Effective communicators have strong emotional intelligence, and you seem to have an excellent level of emotional intelligence. It is expected that you show considerable tolerance of ambiguity and emotional expression. You have the capacity for being extremely sensitive to other’s feelings and to their body language. Those who know you well would probably describe you as patient and eager to listen to others. People in this scoring range are also not afraid of making or admitting to mistakes. They consistently and bravely show vulnerability to others. In fact, they are keenly aware how their behavior impacts others. You can communicate your needs and feelings honestly when someone engages you directly, but you may not always take the initiative to be assertive with others. In this sense, it is likely that you seek to understand others, rather than seek for others to understand you.

 

Bottom line: you need someone who will not put up emotional barriers when you seek to understand his/her thoughts and feelings, but rather will communicate with you intimately and candidly.

 

 

 

Conflict resolution

Conflict Resolution refers to your stress management and problem solving skills.

Effective conflict resolution has nine general elements: View Conflict as Positive; Address Conflict in the Proper Atmosphere; Clarify Perceptions; Note Needs, not wants; Draw on the Power of a Positive Partnership; Focus on the Future, then learn from the past; Identify Options for Mutual Gain; Develop ‘Doables’ or stepping stones to action; and Make Mutually-Beneficial Agreements. Your score indicates that you are fairly strong on all of these basic elements, except for Making Mutually-Beneficial Agreements. This suggests that you are very flexible and action-oriented when addressing problems, yet not so eager to find resolution that you settle for quick, temporary agreements. Settling on a temporary agreement is often a way of avoiding conflict, and it can lead to needs not being met. You do not seem to avoid conflict; instead you appear to evaluate the possible solutions and then actively engage your partner to work on a positive outcome for the relationship.

Bottom line: you need someone who will join you in taking time to find a complete and genuine resolution to issues as opposed to avoiding conflict by settling for quick, temporary agreements.

 

 

Issues you seem to Over-value

In conflict my reactions are based on how I think the other party perceives me. Possible reasons you responded this way include negative motivations and positive motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that you do not value individuality and independence or that you posture to people. On the positive side, it could mean that you are not self absorbed or egotistical, that you have good emotional intelligence or that you do not jump to conclusions.

Sexuality

Sexuality refers to your needs (frequency, boundaries, expressions) related to physical intimacy.

Scientific models of love and attachment always include physical chemistry and sexuality. It is a crucial topic for any couple to address, because it involves issues of control and vulnerability. People at your scoring level have a firm sense of their sexual orientation, preferred sexual activities and comfort level. You like sex that is romantic, adventurous and fun, but for you sex is not a casual event. Sex has great importance in your relationship, and it is reserved for someone you love. You may think your sexual preferences would be viewed as conservative by others, but you are hardly a prude. You tend to be very confident in your sexual ability, you are not self conscious in bed and you are open to try various activities. People in this scoring range are willing to be vulnerable and relinquish control in the bedroom to their partners. In other words, you are not sexually selfish. While you appreciate spontaneity and wild abandon in sex, you also seem to like for sex to be planned to some extent. Most times this probably reflects the fact that you like to set the mood, build anticipation and ensure you have privacy and no interruptions.

 Bottom line: you need someone who regards sex as a meaningful bond between people in love and who appreciates when it is planned to some extent rather than completely spontaneous.

 

 

 

Issues you seem to Over-value

I like sex to be planned to some extent rather than completely spontaneous. Possible reasons you responded this way include negative motivations and positive motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that you are less passionate and spontaneous. On the positive side, it could mean that you are patient, that you are not selfish, that you are mindful of health and emotional risks, that you have self control or that you are able to share control of situations with your partner.

Attitudes toward love

Attitudes Toward Love refers to your level of needs for romantic love and friendship love.

There are two main types of love – Romantic Love and Companionate Love. Romantic Love is passionate, emotional and intense, whereas Companionate Love is a deep, affectionate attachment. People feel these two types of loves to different degrees in a relationship, and the levels of each can fluctuate over time. You scored as someone who may be best described as “a “hopeless romantic on the inside and a realist on the outside.” This means that you value very highly both the safety, security and comfort of Companionate Love and the excitement and passion of Romantic Love. You desire someone who is on the same wavelength as you –sharing similar attitudes, moods and impulses. You are a clearly a hybrid, and someone who probably views love as a transcendent thing. That is, you regard true love as a precious and rare state that must be nurtured to grow and thrive. Most people in this scoring range believe that a passionate sex life is not the most important factor in a stable and satisfying relationship. Rather, a relationship must be nurtured with acceptance and compete connectedness with a partner – a couple building and possessively protecting their “own world.”

Bottom line: You need someone whose highest priority is your relationship and is willing to do the hard work to keep a transcendent level of love alive in the relationship.

 

Issues you seem to Under-value

A couple does not need a passionate sex life to be happy. Possible reasons you responded this way include negative motivations and positive motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that you are preoccupied with sex, that you have low self esteem or that you do not appreciate other, more intimate levels of connection with a partner. On the positive side, it could mean that you have a realistic view of your needs or that you strive to have the fullest levels of connection with a partner.

Preferred Expressions of Affection

Preferred Expressions of Affection refers to your likes and dislikes for different ways a partner can express love and devotion.

There are many ways in which people show affection to their loved ones: physical touch, doing favors, spending time together, giving gifts or communicating love through words. Statistically, you gave higher weighted ratings to Gifts.

Bottom line: You need someone who can express affection through tangible surprises – such as fun gifts s/he makes, souvenirs purchased on business trips or beautiful tokens or presents that show s/he remembers and celebrates special occasions.

 

 

Out of the various modes of expressing affection, Time spent together received lower weighted ratings from you.

Bottom line: This does not mean that you neither like nor need time with a partner. Rather, it suggests that you need someone who can show affection in ways other than just spending time with you – such as talking at home, taking leisurely strolls outside or extended road trips.